Only a Matter of Time
by Katherine Chung
IMessage:
To: Shane Sent: October 1st, 2021
From: Gianna
Do you want to go to fall fest together? I think it’s held at White Plaza.
I am assuming you aren’t going to set up a booth with your nerdy BioMed friends and sell something for charity. You said the other day in the Arbuckle cafeteria that you wanted to branch out and meet new people, but don’t you want to hang out with your best friend one more time before we start officially adulting? Maybe you can talk to those BioMed honors society people, and I can look at Greek life tables?
February 28th, 2021
As I crossed my legs under the wooden table, I sucked in a deep breath, getting ready to tell my best friend some exciting news. I was already biting my nails behind my laptop which were freshly manicured by my new friend Ashley.
I knew from previous experiences that Shane did not like Greek life. One day, when we were given a break from all the New Student Orientation lectures, Shane and I decided to look at the Stanford University student organizations website. Every time I looked at a sorority’s page he fake-gagged in disgust and changed the site to some Biomed honors thing that I didn’t even know existed. That was the moment when I knew we were going to be opposites in college, but that’s okay because sometimes opposites attract.
“You joined what?” my best friend Shane said after sipping his Starbucks coffee in the seat across from me.
“I am now a sister of Alpha Kappa Mu,” I sat proudly and lady-like in my seat and showed him my pin that I wore on my cardigan.
Ever since my neighborhood best friend, Laura, introduced me to college romcoms movies, I’ve always been interested in young adult movies with sororities in them. Laura joined Alpha Chi Omega at UCLA and that is all she talks about during our weekly zoom calls.
“You joined that shitty sisterhood for perfect Barbie girls?” Shane almost choked on his coffee.
“Do you have a problem with AKM? I thought you said that I should branch out and make more friends that are not just you and that librarian, Aster?” I bit my nails nervously while checking the time on my non-existent watch.
Shane was one of those prestigious college students who had a 4.0 GPA on his high school resume. He knew what he wanted to do after graduation. I, on the other hand, got into Stanford University by a miracle. Thank you, lord. I never thought I’d get into one of the hardest universities to get into in America. I was too busy taking in the overwhelming beauty and architecture of each building on campus. While Shane was thinking about his next thought, I noticed that there was a bird’s nest in the tree outside of the window where we were sitting.
“I just thought that you would join something more you. This “sorority stuff” takes up a lot of your free time, like all of it. I do not want to see you laying in a hospital bed after you do all the work for those girls while they party. Have you told any of them about you know?” Shane gestured towards my fanny pack that held my Diabetes supplies.
Shane had always hated my interest in young adult fiction and college-age movies. He said that TV and movies just brainwash your mind. One time, while Laura and I were watching “Sydney White”, Shane came in the room and called it girly trash media. He also called the sororities in the movie “drunk trap parties” a bit too loud for my dad to hear.
“No, I have not; and you’re not in charge of me. I can join whatever organization I want to join. Please don’t make this conversation about my diabetes. I know how to take care of myself. I have had diabetes since I was a child, not you. You don’t understand how I feel and what I want,” I took a deep breath and focused on my iPhone.
Shane had been there for me since we were in diapers. Our moms were friends in college and stayed friends after getting married. He was there when I fell off my bike and had to go to the hospital to get tested for juvenile diabetes. He stayed at the hospital every night till I was released, and we were still in elementary school. That was dedication from a true best friend.
He had never said something like this about my diabetes before ever. Not even, when we had that three-month-long fight last summer when he announced that he wanted to go to UCLA instead of Stanford because his dad went there, but he changed his mind when he found out that Stanford had a better Biomed honors program.
“I know. I am not trying to make this conversation about your diabetes. I am saying that this sorority does not seem like your type of activity. Did someone peer pressure you into going through the rush week?” Shane put his coffee cup down on the table.
I tried my best to ignore his question by focusing on the strong coffee smell coming from the Starbucks counter fifteen feet away from our table but could not get the thought out of my mind. It was like an itch festering on my back that would not go away.
“No one peer pressured me into going through rush week. First my Dad, then you. Why can’t anyone be happy for me after I get with what I want?” I rolled my eyes at my best friend and started to text my sorority sister Ashley.
“Whatever you say. Gi, just be careful with those girls,” Shane replied while tapping on his phone from across the table.
To say, I was mad at my best friend was an understatement. All he had to do was say one negative statement about Alpha Kappa Mu and start rambling on and on about my diabetes. First, Shane is my best friend not my mother. And second, I don’t have a mother anymore.
Before Shane could make up another comment about Greek life, I decided to pack up my bag and throw away my trash, since my Family Studies class was quite a walk away from where we were sitting.
“Where are you going? I thought that you were freeing up your schedule so that we could hang out more, at least for today?” Shane said in a deeper tone than usual as he put his phone down.
“I got to get to class. I’m not a fast walker and I need to re-read this chapter on Family and Relationships” I quickly made something up, that was partly true. I did need to skim that chapter that I didn’t get to read last night.
I thought that Shane would reply, but he didn’t so I parted my way as I watched him make a face at me while I was struggling to get through the crowd of Starbucks customers.
March 1st, 2021
While I was walking to the sorority chapter meeting at the famous 1047 house, which was located on one of the Greek Rows, my hands started to shake. I assumed that I was just cold since the groundhog saw his shadow and did not think anything of it. Diabetes was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t want to be known as the sick girl in college.
In middle school, I was bullied and teased a lot. That’s where the term “sick girl” came from. A girl from my 7th grade homeroom started a rumor about me when I missed class for an endocrine appointment, and I guess the rumor spread fast that day. Then in high school, I was known as the girl who did drugs because insulin is kind of a drug.
Oh no.
My glucose reading is either high or low. I couldn’t check it since the meeting is about to start, I thought to myself. Just give it a few more weeks Davis it will become more fun and less fake and peppy, I thought to myself as the president went on and on about requirements.
I hated to think about this, but maybe Shane was right. Maybe I have to be careful with who I became friends with within this sorority. Everything felt too new and fresh. I didn’t know what to think. I’ve never had anyone around me that doesn’t know about my secret. All of my family and friends know about it. It’s not like I would introduce myself as the girl with type one diabetes to every new person I meet.
Back in Belmont, CA, everyone knew who I was. I guess my mom was a chatterbox and would not stop bragging about me. I don’t know how I became well-known in town. My parents filed for divorce last year and my mom disappeared.
The only time I’ve been introduced as the girl with type-one diabetes was when Shane and I went to Mad Science camp and a counselor in training accidentally blurted it out to the other campers. That was a horrible summer memory I never wanted to think about again.
I honestly still don’t know what to say to anyone if an emergency happens, like, “Hey I have Diabetes and my blood sugar is low, can you help me?” I don’t know how to explain low blood sugars to anyone but my best friend, Shane who is a Bio-Med major. I wanted to tell one of my sorority sisters’ my secret so that they would know in case of emergency. I just didn’t know who to tell. My safest bet was to tell, Ashley she was the person who I bonded with most during rush week. She gave off “good girl vibes” instead of “party all night vibes”.
March 2nd, 2021
When Ashley walked to the entrance of her dorm closer to the entrance of building 1047, I felt a chilly breeze from behind me and continued to walk to my dorm building that was a block away from Ashley’s. I did not like walking back to my dorm by myself after sorority meetings since it got dark so early here.
As I continued to walk by myself, I felt my glucose meter vibrate in my bag notifying me that my glucose reading was dropping. I needed some sugar in my body fast.
“What’s up, bestie? Why are you out alone so late? It’s not safe to walk alone at night,”. I could smell his famous PRADA cologne from anywhere.
“Shane, you almost made me pee my pants don’t scare me like that again,” I teased him back by elbowing him in the shoulder.
“Your thingy is beeping.”
“I know, mother dearest. You don’t need to take care of me. I can take care of myself,” I mumbled as I shoved my shivering hands into my coat pocket.
“I’m not your mother. I’m just looking out for your best interest. Do you have any snacks on you, before your numbers drop even lower? Did you bring any snacks to the AKM meeting? Have you told them about you know?” Shane commented, making me feel insecure because I can take care of my own body.
“No, but my dorm building is like a block away and I have snacks in my fridge.” I was already thinking about my emergency gummy bears in my mini fridge to treat my low glucose reading.
“Gi, shame on you for not carrying snacks around. You could have gotten sick during a meeting. Have you told any of them yet? Not even one of the girls? Here, I have some skittles I didn’t open yet,” Shane reached into his backpack and handed them to me.
“Thanks, and no I haven’t told them yet. Quit asking,” I replied as I popped some skittles into my mouth while walking to the building while rolling my eyes at him.
“Their sweet like you.... I mean the skittles,” I heard Shane mumble as we walked together.
“Thanks, I guess”
I didn’t know what else to say to him and was exhausted from the three classes and AKM service event at Red Barn across from campus.
March 3rd, 2021
The new girls of Alpha Kappa Mu were required to go on a one-day, outdoor retreat with the seniors to get to know them better.
I was nervous as heck for this trip because I had to hide my insulin shots somewhere.
Thankfully, Ashley was in charge of the cooler for our group and was able to hide my insulin and snacks at the bottom of the ice chest at the beginning of our journey.
I noticed that the water was colder where the river emptied into the bay, and a darker more threatening color of green, not at all transparent like it was near the shore. I felt an uncomfortable and eerie breeze tickle my back as I touched the water with one of my hands to test the temperature.
My first instinct was to leave the river and go back to dry land, but all of my sorority sisters had already crossed the lake leaving her the last one standing. I was not used to being the last at anything. Ever since I was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes, I had considered myself a brave and kindhearted girl.
This type of activity made me feel insecure about my body and scared of what my sisters would think of me if I didn’t swim across the unpleasant-looking bay. I had a one-piece bathing suit on to hide the scars and bruises on my abdomen from insulin injections. I noticed that I was the only girl wearing a one-piece bathing suit that was not bikini style too.
I took one look at the water and frowned in disgust but immediately covered up my frown with a fake smile when Ashley noticed her standing on the land by herself. Since I was now close friends with Ashley, I decided to go for it with her encouragement. I, Gianna Rose Davis was going to swim across this river, even though I didn’t know if it was full of fish or seaweed. Stretching my legs as far as I could, I dipped my feet in the murky water, only found water that was that much colder.
Thankfully, nothing bad happened, well except one of the girls splashed me with lake water.
Gross.
When I got to the other side, I was exhausted and out of breath. I desperately needed to check my glucose reading. It was probably too high from all of my anxiety I had been accumulating earlier in the morning about this trip.
“Ash, I need an excuse to go to the bathroom,” I whispered to her while motioning to my stomach since she knew about my diabetes.
“Girls, we’re going to take a water break and do a trust exercise in ten minutes, everyone stay where you are and keep talking to a senior!” I heard Ashley exclaim a bit too loud for my liking while she shooed me off into the woods with the bag, I had bought with my diabetes essentials.
While I was running to find a spot in the woods away from the girls where I would not be seen, I had to stop to take a breather. I hoped that my glucose reading was not too high because that meant that I would not have the energy to participate in the bonding activities.
“Hey, Gigi, right? You heading to the bathroom too? I can’t seem to find a spot away from the group, mind if I join you?” I heard a girl running from behind me wearing the same AKM shirt I was wearing.
Shit.
When I turned my head to see who she was, all of my diabetes supplies dropped out of my bag.
“What’s all that for?” She asked as she approached me, while I wiped my forehead that had beads of sweat on it.
“Nothing,” I mumbled as I bent down to pick all of my belongings up.
I couldn’t stable my body to stoop down though. I felt nauseous, fatigue, and thirsty.
How high was my glucose reading? I just went fucking swimming.
“Are you okay? Should I call someone? You look sweaty,” The girl who was in my group stood in front of me watching me struggle to pick my belongings off of the ground.
“I’m fine,” I convinced myself while ignoring her.
“What’s going on here? Gigi, Ri, why aren’t you with the group?” I heard one of the seniors say to us with her hands on her hips.
“My name is Reese,” the girl who found me spat at the senior while I stood in embarrassment in the middle of the woods.
“Gigi has diabetes, she needs a Doctor ASAP,” Reese exclaimed in a pitchy tone and glared at me as if I was the enemy.
What was her problem? I thought she was nice.
And then my worst nightmare came to life when the President of AKM walked over to where we were standing.
“Wait, are those ecstasy shots? If they are, you are in big trouble. You are breaking so many rules including the sorority bylaws. You need to dispose of them right now or else we will get suspended from AKM,” Lisa, who was the President of the sorority said to me without acknowledging that I had a medical ID on my bag.
I was shocked, mortified, and clueless about what to say back to her.
Maybe Shane was right? I needed to be more careful with who I hang out with.
“Gi, is this true? Have you been hiding this secret from us since rush? Are you sick? Do you need to go to the hospital?” The senior girl stared at me in an awkward position while I stood there holding my supple bag with a tomato-red face.
“Hey, leave her alone. She’s not sick, Type One Diabetes is treatable,” I heard Ashley come from behind me before I could see her.
As Ashley walked up to me, I remembered the day when Shane stood up for me during our Sophomore year Homecoming dance. At the dance there was a dessert table, I decided to treat myself since homecoming was a special night. A few minutes before I approached the dessert table, I gave insulin for the food I was going to eat in the girls’ bathroom for the cupcake I was going to eat. When I came out of the bathroom, a group of girls approached me by the lockers and asked me if I had any drugs. Before I could respond to them, Shane came to my rescue and advocated for me. I was stunned by his long lecture about diabetes to those mean girls.
“Thanks, Ash; and Lisa, these are insulin vials. I need to give myself daily injections to survive. So, unless you’d like to see a girl faint in the woods than I suggest you’d go back to the group and leave me alone,” I let out a breath after making my statement loud and proud.
“Yes, you go girl, stand up for yourself. Finally, someone said something. Lisa has always been a strict president,” Ashley stood next to me handing me my bag with my supplies all cleaned up from being on the ground.
March 4th, 2021
It was midnight when Shane got to my dorm room. My roommate was out with her new boyfriend doing who knows what.
I was staring blankly at my best friend who was staring back at me while thinking about the AKM retreat.
I always hated awkward silence. Don’t get me wrong, but I liked to hear noises that were in between people partying down the hall and awkward silence.
This was and still is probably the most awkward and painful moment I’ve ever experienced since my mom left.
My parents stopped talking to each other at the beginning of last year. It was right after New Year’s Eve dinner; my mom had said something about cleaning the guest house to my grandmother and all hell broke? Or should I say, all silence broke. I still am not sure what had happened between my mom and dad while I was getting used to Stanford, which wasn’t too far away from home. I just call it the most awkward silence moment ever now.
Shane stared at the carpet of my dorm room when he broke the awkward silence between us.
“So how was the camping trip with Alpha Kappa Mu?” Shane said to me in a serious deep voice while staring into my eyes.
“Fine and it wasn’t camping. It was sisterly bonding,” I whispered to him since I did not want to talk about the incident.
The awkward silence occurred once again between us as we stared at my blank laptop screen.
“Netflix, Disney Plus, or Hulu? Your turn to pick,”
I wanted to watch something with girl-power like Moana but remembered that it was his turn to pick a movie since we hadn’t planned a movie night in a while because of our hectic schedules.
Instead of replying, he laid back onto my bed that had way too many pillows on it.
There was an awkward silence that grew between us once again, I could not stand his behavior tonight. At dinner, after I got back from my trip, he didn’t talk about his Bio class like he always did.
College Boys...
“Fine. Then we will watch Moana again. I’ll go pop some popcorn in the student lounge. Be right back,” I mumbled ignoring his blank face.
“Don’t forget to give insulin for it. You forgot to give a dose before you ate your dinner,”
I was shocked and appalled by what he just said to me.
“What did you say?!” I turned to face him from the doorframe.
Did he seriously just call me out like that about my diabetes? What was his problem? He will never be like my mother, she left me. She never cared about my diagnosis.
“Look, Gianna I care about you. I really do. I can tell that something happened on that “sisterly bonding trip” or whatever you want to call it. I wanted to wait for the perfect moment to say this, but I will now, I have always loved you. I care about you. Why can’t you see that? You are too busy looking for some frat guy to impress your sorority sisters with. You cannot even take care of your mental and physical health anymore. You are always out with those sorority girls and they don’t even know about your secret. I have to remind you take to your insulin before you eat. As soon as you get to the cafeteria all you talk about is that stupid formal Alpha Kappa Mu is making you plan. You don’t even take care of your body anymore. Can’t you see that this sorority is destroying your identity? I care about you and I don’t want you to get sick. I love you, more than a best friend,” Shane scratched his head and he stared into my eyes.
What the hell?
Does he love me more than a friend? As in Ron and Hermione’s kind of love?
“I have to go. I need to be alone. Don’t follow me or text me,” as I walked away from the campus common lounge.
“Admit it. You are too scared to let people in who care about you. You only let in people who don’t know your secrets because your insecure about them. I don’t care if your parents are divorced or if you have diabetes. I care about you. Why can’t you see that anymore? All this sorority stuff has blindsided you from what really matters in life. Friends and family,” Shane walked to where I was standing.
“I’m not scared,” I whimpered as a tear dropped from my cheek.
Was I scared? Or was I having a college student identity crisis?
IMessage:
To: Shane Sent: March 17th, 2021
From: Gianna
I’m SORRY. I should have texted sooner. I needed time to think, to be alone.
Was I too blindsided to see that my best friend was in love with me this whole time? I let people into my life, but they just leave me. It’s not my fault that life doesn’t go the way everyone wants it to.
My mom left by choice and I didn’t ask anyone why she left at that time. People leaving me felt normal since then. And now you are gone because I pushed you away, like everyone else who came into my life to support me.
I guess it was only a matter of time till someone else left me because I pushed them away. I told the president of Alpha Kappa Mu that I was no longer interested in the group because I wanted to find my real friends.
Please call me.
March 21st, 2021
Ashley and I were sitting at a table on the quieter side of Cecil Library studying for an exam. I had ordered a drink from Starbucks and needed to take my glucose reading, so I politely took out my meter, Ashley didn’t seem to mind. She knew about the Shane drama and was doing her best to be a good friend without wanting answers about my relationship status.
After taking my glucose reading and putting back the case into my backpack, I was about to take a sip of my unsweetened Starbucks iced tea when I noticed an Indian girl walk up to our table.
I have always had a small friend group even with joining AKM, so I was clueless as to why she was walking toward us.
“Hey, sorry to bother you but do you have Diabetes? Sorry, you don’t have to answer that personal question. I saw your glucose meter out next to your textbook and wanted to meet another student on campus like me,” The girl stood shyly in front of our table.
“Yeah, I do. I was diagnosed with type one diabetes when I was in elementary school. What did you mean when you said you want to meet another student like me?” I put my pen down from my notebook and made eye contact with her.
“Oh, how rude, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Himala but you can call me Mala for short. I was diagnosed with type two diabetes when I was seven years old and never made any diabetic friends since then” the girl stood in front of us smiling awkwardly, but I knew inside she was excited to meet someone. I knew that feeling from the sorority rush.
“Are you interested in Alpha Kappa Mu? We are always looking for new sisters,” Ashley replied, joining into our conversation. I know she wasn’t trying to be rude since she loved AKM.
“I don’t think my parents would let me join a sorority even if I wanted to. The real reason why I came up to you guys is because I am interested in starting a Stanford College Diabetes Network. When I came to Stanford, I had a great idea to start a College Diabetes Network at Stanford University, but the Dean of Student Activities said no because we need to have at least five members to make a club and a president. Sorry if that’s a lot I just tend to ramble, and I don’t even have a roommate I live in a single in Florence Hall. It would be nice to have friend or two,” Himala stood in front of our table politely waiting for a reply from us or maybe just me.
“That sounds awesome. I’d love to join. I’m sure I could help you recruit members and get an advisor. Matter of fact, I may already know a professor who can help out, she teaches one of my classes and is big on campus diversity,” I smiled at her and looked back at Ashley who was nodding her head and sipping on her tea.
IMessage:
To: Gianna Sent: April 2nd, 2021
From: Shane
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I am ready to talk about what happened.
Can you meet me outside Stern Hall tomorrow at 8pm, and we can talk in my room? My roommate is going to a party, don’t worry about him hearing our conversation.
IMessage:
To: Shane Sent: April 2nd, 2021
From: Gianna
Sure, I have some things to say too. See you tomorrow.
April 3rd, 2021
My long walk across campus to Stern Hall was quick and safe. Thankfully, the night classes were let out while I was walking across campus, so I didn’t feel alone. I could smell the oak trees and the blooming flowers as I passed the school garden.
As soon as I arrived at the front door of Stern Hall, I forgot all about my speech. I was too nervous to see him again and hear what he had to say. I had a few minutes to prepare before Shane came down to let me in the building.
The moment that we got situated in his room, I noticed that there were books everywhere, even on his bed. He seemed to be studying a lot more than I was during our short break.
“Hey, so how are you doing?” Shane sat on his bed next to me, scaring me out of my daydream.
“Good. How about you?” I finally, made eye contact with him.
“Ok, I guess there’s so much work for my major I do seem stressed. Anyway, I invited you over so that we could talk about what happened. First off, I wanted to say that I am sorry for what I said to you and understand if you don’t like me more than a friend. That wasn’t the place or time for me to say those things,” Shane scooted away from me politely giving me space and time to reply.
“It’s okay I forgive you what you said earlier in the semester. If it’s okay with you, I think that we should take a break for a little while. You seem busy with your major and BioMed friends; and I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my major. The other day while I was studying at Cecil Library, I met a girl who has type two diabetes. We are going to start a College Diabetes Chapter at Stanford for next fall,” finally, my confession was out. I held my breath waiting for his reaction.
“Oh, that’s cool. I’m proud of you for doing that with the girl you met at library. Once again, I am sorry for what I said earlier in the semester and understand if you need space,” Shane stared at me then scooted over and side hugged me.
“Its okay. I forgive you. I need time to find myself and my own friend group. Do you mind walking me out, since it’s later at night?”
“Yeah, no problem. Oh, and I almost forgot, I got you a pack of your favorite gummy bears. I promise it’s not a diabetes joke. They are just a gift from me, it’s the best I could do since I don’t have a job yet,”
“Thank you, I’ll see you around campus and I’m sure we can find time to get Starbucks when you’re not so busy next semester?” I took the packet of gummy bears before giving him one last hug.
I guess that it is important to set boundaries for people who are toxic in your life or spreading negative energy in your life, even if that person is your best friend.
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